Pain forced me to make a choice.
1. Accept my circumstances and push through or
2. Wallow in my pain and embrace the role of victim.
…and the decision was…
…I chose both.
I was 15, young, ignorant to some extent and scared as hell.I didn’t have an outlet, I didn’t have a voice. So, I chose both.
By accepting my circumstances, I lived and carried on as if nothing happened.
Carrying on also allow me to bury the pain and subconsciously become a victim of my own pain and suffering.
Have you ever questioned: Why you are feeling a certain way (sad, happy, irritated,angry, etc)?
Why certain things that create a bother in your life, are really nothing at all?
This is what most of us do. We try to enjoy life and not hinder ourselves with the bad that has happen to us and we never have to relive it again. Well… it’s still there and it is gaining interest.I learned this the hard way. Or maybe it was the easy way… I mean I gave myself plenty of signals (signs I ignored with help of my own ignorance). Many times, I would pray in solitude…ashamed to reveal my faith and my need to believe in something higher than myself. I would cry to the lyrics of Mariah Carey Hero and struggled to find the hero within me. Struggled with the idea that my pain was temporary, even though it felt like a never ending war…the war of love and pain. Solitude would become my companion and pain a normalcy. Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I pretty enough? These were the torments of a hurt young girl. A young girl, who did not see what she was capable of. Did not see her potential and ability to touch others with her words? Are you (the reader) confused much? I definitely was and at times still am. They say everything has a purpose, really? Really? I didn’t ask for my pain to apart of my purpose, I didn’t want a purpose, I just wanted to be normal and worry about kids stuff, you know? I didn’t ask for my innocent thoughts to be replaced with adult like decisions.I didn’t ask to carry this load, a load that slowly buried my spirit and reason to live happy. It would have been easier if I made a mistake or I knew the root cause of such great pain, but I didn’t…it was a mystery. It was then that the unknown would become my greatest enemy…and my greatest fear. I hated that feeling and I wanted it gone…
“Nothing is more frightening than a fear you cannot name.”
― Cornelia Funke, Inkheart
Have you ever stopped yourself from simply taking the next step? …for absolutely no reason (well, no logical reason that is).
I pose this question, because it is something we do every single day. Some more than others, but we constantly doubt ourselves therefore instilling fear in ourselves.
Forget You Fear!
Fear was stopping me from doing many things in my life… including be happy.
Growing up, I was a fearless child. Jumping from the highest step, climbing tress, touching slimy nasty bugs and just being a dare devil. As a child, I thought things were just great (don’t get me wrong I was totally aware that some things sucked) and I was good with that. I was good with not knowing the future and whether or not I would see another day. Me and the present were good friends. I enjoyed life for what is was and didn’t think about tomorrow (unless, I was going on an awesome field trip…go figure!) As I got older, I realized that along with all the beautiful things the world had to offer, it also had some ugly things as well and that was when I started to feel fear. Between movies based on real life events, the news, and with others sharing their trials of life, my fears grew bigger. Going through life and seeing how mistakes hurt many, it was impossible to allow myself to make any of those mistakes…I dared to be perfect. This so called perfection sheltered me from mistakes and hurt, but it also stifled my chances to be happy and enjoy the fruits of such mistakes. I often wondered how others gained and maintained their happiness in midst of so much pain that they have incurred. It wasn’t until I went through my own trial and I began to realize what those people may have felt during their time of pain and trials.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
In my next post I will share my journey of pain and how I would go through it again.
Thanks for stopping by and have a awesome week!
“They want to see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”
Being happy sometimes entails keeping your happiness to yourself in presence of certain individuals i.e. jealous, envious, etc. Every person with good intentions will support and be happy for you. If they are lacking something in their life that you have they will sometimes try to bring your happiness (accomplishments) down, so they may feel better. We all have done this at one point in our lives. They are certain degrees in which a person will go to great lengths to harm you and its really sad. One thing we should think about is that it is not about us (so don’t take it personal), it is about an absence in that person’s life, mind, body and/or soul. Now… we can either help them to attain happiness (only if they truly want “it”) or we can separated ourselves from their negativity. At the end of the day, EVERYONE wants to be loved and happy, you’d be surprised!
Well that’s my piece. Enjoy the read and look out for my posts on a fabulous book that has help me in so many ways…Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways.
This will be my first attempt to the wonderful world of blogging. I will not apologize for mistakes, they happen, we learn, and we move on. Now this is where happiness begins. Well this is how it began for me.
1. I stopped feeling sorry for myself.
2. Read a lot of books (self-help, wisdom, kids books 🙂 )
3. Spent more time with those who truly loved me. (uninterested people)
4. Opened my mouth and spoke! (Being silent and emotionless suffocated my happy spirit)
5. Decided that everything was simple. (It was I who complicated everything; damn anxiety!)
6. Prayed (#1)
After I did all these things, slowly (very slow) but surely my life started to fall in place. It wasn’t until my mid- twenties that I realized I had to give myself a break -a hard earned one. All my life I have been a helper to others and never to myself, so I stole it back. At first I felt guilty, but I love it! I am free.
If you have any questions send them my way and I will try my best to help you in your journey to happiness (See, I can’t stop helping geesh, LOL).
In my next post I will write about a book that really launched my journey into full speed.
Until then peace!