As I’m trying to figure out what the hell to write, I look up from my computer screen and take a look at my vision board. The words MINIMALISM and INFLUENCE look back at me. In the past few years, I have been reminded of my influence on others. Did I do this on purpose (probably not)? But it did happen and that influence in turn was impactful. I wish I could internalize this “power”, this “gift”, but I struggle to be proud of myself. I struggle to believe that simple me is capable of influencing others. Maybe the kids but adults like me, I don’t know about that. Well I do, I just don’t believe it. Like how does my life affect yours? Why would my experiences or story be any less impactful or important than yours? I don’t do much, I just speak my mind and allow my intuition and discernment to carry my thoughts and words. I pray often and specifically that when I do express myself it may be led by God’s words and not mine (I can be harsh and blunt at times and lack softness).
The words that I write in this very post are unfiltered and uninhibited. Just writing as I go. I’m trying to focus but the loud laughter outside is highly annoying and distracting. It is 9pm and cold, I still have my coat on and it’s 65 degrees in my house, shut the hell up! See, how can I be so influential with these pessimistic thoughts? but that is the problem, living uninterrupted is ideal for me. Will I ever have what I desire with such a mindset? Absolutely not, so it remains a quiet desire. I don’t think people will know how much of an impact that has been on my life (for better or worse). I’m trying to share that now, it’s gradual but at least I did the thing. I just got up and opened the door to tell them to shut up, what a terrible person I am, but at least they shut up. OK, back to impact. These days I pick and choose what allow myself to consume in order to minimize being influenced and ultimately being greatly impacted. I think that is why I have such high expectations of myself and others because I want others to receive the best version of me. I’m asked, “Why can’t they receive the worst of you”? My reply “It’s messy and I can only handle it. Only I can hold space for my big complex emotions”. That answer is such a fallacy that serves no purpose but self-isolation. I’m the president of that club. It’s safe, non-judgmental, free, with no accountability, and best of all no mistakes! Do you know what else this club does? Takes away your joy, growth, and passion for life.
the RED fly 